Why I Can Never Be Sure

It's blogtime! Here we go....

This is one of those moments where nothing really makes sense. I'm in English. Almost the whole class is in groups. I'm working alone. Totally okay with it. Kind of.

I am finding that I am introverted to the extreme. I am constantly in my own mind. "Retracting." It's hard not to be. Wherever I go, I'm usually uncomfortable with myself. Even at home, I can't always be myself. The only person I can truly be myself with is my mother. Honestly, I can be whoever the hell I am in front of her, and not be held back by anything. We have a great relationship. Something I'd never ever trade.

But in the real world, I just can't be sure. Of anything. I used to know exactly what I was doing, until I started wondering why I did. Wondering why I possessed such firm beliefs. So I stopped standing so tall on those beliefs. I started slouching. And I everything else followed. Grades. Relationships. Confidence. Self-esteem. I guess I had something beautiful and then lost it. Besides my mother, I could be myself in front of God. He didn't care, because I cared for Him. I let Him know who I was FOR Him. He just smiled and let it happen, because I was doing something right for once.

Now I do my own thing. Yes, I do. No matter how much I want to deny it, I have been walking alone for some time now. God has still been there. He never leaves. It was me leaving. Even in the times that I wasn't sure before, God would take care of my non-understanding. He would meet me more than halfway. That insurance I had before is gone. Because everything else has taken His place at number one in my life.

It makes me sick, but it's something I had to put into words. I used to let God walk me through the storm. Now I've been making storms of my own, leaving God out entirely. I have been fucking up everything I touch, and blaming it all on the world. It's not the world's fault. It's definitely not God's. It's mine. I am to blame for forsaking the only truly good thing in my life. And I am desperately in need of an uprooting.

No one can ever be sure of anything beyond this life. All we know is all we're given. But putting the Most High, the most good person you'll ever find, above all else, will seal the cracks for good. Keep Him there, you'll be who I once was. Walk away, and you'll blind yourself. I need His eyes seeing for me again, His ears hearing, and His mouth speaking. If I can't come back, then I'm already dead. Blind. Deaf. and Mute. I would ask you to take a look at who God is, but I wouldn't know. My eyes are closed. I can't take the speck out of your eye. There's a plank in mine. I have no clue what to tell you, because I only listen to myself. And I am the biggest hypocrite I've ever been. God help me. Light my path. I can't keep stumbling in the darkness.

Take a Look, Said the Blind Man