Even days are seriously the best. For one day in each week, I get a break from constant SPANISHMATHSCIENCEBLAHHH.......it's nice.
I'm in 6th block, by the "cell." Feeling great. Last night at work I started thinking about the dream again. The dream to compose a score by next year. In all honesty, I'm pretty far from that coming true, but I at least know it's achievable. I've been planning small things...Start by paying off my late fees at the library. check out books on basic music theory. Do some digging around online, figure out what pieces I would need and how to write for each piece. Maybe I should talk to some people who have orchestral experience. Something in me is afraid of even trying, because I know this won't be easy. But in the end, all I want to do is write music! Being able to hear something in my head and then transfer it to real life, what a dream. Not something small, not local metal bands or random shit in my basement. I want to actually breathe music to life, music that people haven't heard before. I want to trigger the teary-eyed scene in the climax of your favorite movie. I want to write the sounds you hear when Leonardo DiCaprio jumps those rooftops, chasing after the antagonist, spitting epic one-liners. The music makes those moments real.
Last block in writer's workshop, we finished watching Finding Forester. If you've seen this movie before, you can understand that I'm pumped on everything right now. I feel smart and ambitious. (Granted, I am still just a bored senior in high school typing away during class.) Regardless I've been wondering where to go, since the fork in the road is quickly approaching. I could invest in a new band, do the whole "band" thing again, be with my friends, live the moments that I call "dreams," or I could move on, and elope with this new dream of mine, and do what I was born to do...write music. I want to learn theory and everything because even if I didn't learn now, I would undoubtedly learn eventually, considering my career, no matter what it is, will revolve around music.
The time to truly believe in someone is when everyone else thinks they're crazy. What about me? I think I'm crazy. Should I believe in myself? Or am I really just crazy? It's ridiculously hard to tell sometimes.
There are so many things I could be doing to help this journey kick itself off, but I'm afraid of failing. It's easier to admit that in writing than it is in speaking. I am afraid. I really am. I don't know what will actually happen, because my expectations seem too good. So I freak out, thinking that none of this could ever possibly happen, and that I'll end up 50, shopping at the same old grocery store, telling my kids "high school is the best time of your life," whereas right now, it obviously isn't. Where does that transformation begin? Where in life will I be content with falling short of ALL my dreams? It can't happen. I don't think I would ever allow it.
And THAT'S what keeps these dreams alive. Dormant as they may be, they're breathing. And the big one, it's breathing heavier and louder than it has before. It's almost speaking to me. My hope is that it will learn to yell, even scream at me, until I feed it. People don't give up on their dreams. Dreams give up on people, because it's the people that fail their dreams. I have a responsibility, a gift, and if I don't nurture it, I'm just an old man in young shoes, waiting to catch up, waiting to fail, and waiting to be totally fine with it. God don't let this body pass through without letting my soul shine through. Let me change something in the world while I'm still stuck in this skin. Let the music be my face for you. Lead me to the dream. Don't let me walk past it, because it will always be there, even if it gives up on me.
Big dreams. Music dreams. My dreams.
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